My stages of grief for this space have been on an off-current to both Don and Alex's. In fact all three of us have been riding different waves at completely different time frames and lengths.
 

• I stayed in the anger phase over mot of this past Winter: I suppose I already knew what it was going to come down to, and I didn't have the faith in knowing we as a community could pull together and make this work. Thankfully, once I did break out of the anger I sped through to acceptance quickly and am ready to forge new territory.
• Alex stayed in the denial and bargaining stages longest, hoping and wishing to have faith in something he knew he didn't. It was painful for me to watch and difficult for me to help support, feeling the way I was. We shared many depressed moments while pouring over ideas and hopes.
• Don stayed steady through bargaining and testing, keeping more constant than we were able. Though tinged with depression on the matter, he kept pushing ahead, trying new ways, hoping for a break through. Suddenly acceptance busted through, with some lingering pain.

All three of us have felt as though we help create a child and shared it, only to have it torn assunder with little to note its passing.  What a difficult transition!  One I am glad to have gone through for the sake of learn, but for no other reason.

Is it a relief to have this off my plate? Sure, in some ways! I've been working, going to school, taking care of Edges, juggling multiple relationships and at least attempting to have a life.  But if I didn't love to share this, we would not be working so hard to find a new way!

Each of us has circles back through all of these stages a few times in the past week alone, as we pack and sell, toss and donate.  Decisions about whether to keep itmes that we and/or our members put love and energy into, are tearing at our hearts.  We have been given some amazing letters of encouragement from members and have even posted them at home to help us handle what we must each day.

We have watched as our closest volunteers, members and loved ones have gone through their own grief cycles.  I'm most glad for having finished through my own anger cycle before so many in the community hit theirs: I was able to weather some of your yuck better than I could have possibly two months ago.

Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

Alex always tells me, "Everyone can create and maintain a playspace better than you, Ali".  It took a while for me to fully appreciate that sentiment...and sometimes I find myself thinking that's true.  Who am I to know what I'm doing?!  But we did do it, twice even. And we will do it again, albeit different in format this time around. Figuring out and finding that difference is what is exciting for me, and what is currently my drive.